Inspired by Truth
by Meg Dukes, Matthew Shepard Foundation Intern

Its not often that listening to a person talk about their faith in God can inspire me and give me hope, yet Chely Wright was able to do so with her ideas on unconditional love, acceptance and a God different from the one taught by many churches, "a God of love, light and complete comfort." I left the office that afternoon a changed person and began to read her book Like Me: Confessions of a Heartland Country Singer, and continually found myself saying, "That sounds like what I went through, minus the God part." For the first time I found the story that sounded like my own.

Much like Wright, for years before my first true crush I knew I was different, but I never knew exactly what that difference was until my freshman year in high school. And much like her first crush, mine was a brand new freshman government teacher in her mid 20's. I was scared out of my mind by my feelings. I would sit in class and will myself to not look at her, to not think about her, to not care what she thought of me, until I finally gave in and transferred into her history class my sophomore year. Oddly enough, this teacher was the one who inspired me and gave me the strength to come out to my parents.

The other detail about Wright's story that will continue to resonate with me, is when she was 12 years old and explored the idea of being born in the wrong body, a concept I explored myself at a much younger age. Whenever I would hear stories of people feeling as though they had been born in the wrong body they would identify as transgender and begin taking steps to transition, but I didn't fit into that category. This was only furthered by own alienation and beliefs that there was truly something wrong with me, that briefly at a point in my life I felt like I should have been born male. Now that I know I am not the only person to have felt this way I have accepted that moment in my past and no longer feel strange about it.

Wright could be downplayed as just one of latest names added to the list of public figures to come out and openly identify as LGBT, but don't dismiss her like I almost did. Her honesty about her childhood and the struggles she has endured as an adult have been a breath of fresh air and has allowed her story to become one of power, not only to the rural young person contemplating ending their own life, or worrying that there is no one else in the world like them or who understand what they are going through, but also to the blind eye of the straight community. Not many public figures are willing to go on national television and admit they once felt that their only option was to take their own life.

So again, do not dismiss Chely Wright as just a name to be added to the list. Read our interview with her, listen to her latest album Lifted off the Ground (the first country album I have ever purchased) or pick up a copy of her book, and maybe she will inspire you like she did me.

Interview by: Thomas Howard, Jr.
Programs Director, Matthew Shepard Foundation

MP: How are you?

CW: I'm great. How are you doin'?

MP: Good, thank you so much for sharing a bit of your time with me today.

CW: Oh, I'm happy to. Thanks for rescheduling with me.

MP: No not a problem. Let me just share with you a little bit about where our conversation is going to go, related to the Foundation. We have a great website that was created for LGBT and allied young people called MatthewsPlace.com, and the purpose of Matthew's Place is to provide resources and interviews and insight to help young people lead healthy, productive, hate-free lives. It was really designed for that young person who's sitting in rural Iowa who doesn't think there is anyone else out there like them, as a place for them to go and realize that they can be exactly who they want to be exactly they way that they are. For us, that's really the mission of the Foundation, to provide young people with the skills and resources to realize they are perfect exactly the way that they are. [And for] your story, I have to say a very heartfelt thank you, because I know there are young people who realize that they don't have to kill themselves and that things are going to get better and that they are perfect exactly they way that they are because of your honesty, so I have to say a big heartfelt thank you from us to you as well.

CW: Thank you so much. Thank you.

MP: I spend a lot of my time traveling around the country speaking to high school kids and I can tell you this is an issue that hasn't gone away. I always ask them how often they witness instances of hate on their campuses, and 99% of the young people I ask that question say they witness something on an hourly basis. So this is very relevant for us and I'll quit talking and I'll ask you some questions.

CW: I agree. I know it hasn't gone away and I know it's an hourly, daily basis. We would like to think there has been so much progress made, while there has been some, when you get to the far corners and those little folds of America its not as easy as a lot of people would like to think it is for a lot of young people. It's been my total honor to share my story, as tough as it was to finally stand up and tell my truth. I feel like I've been lifted by a sea of support and just pride, the pride of finally telling my truth and I feel like I've been lifted up by the warmth of the community and it's been my honor.

MP: The interesting that I see at high schools particularly is, teachers and administrators usually say that kids aren't going to stand up and talk, and kids aren't going to stand up and share their stories. And at every single high school I'm at, multiple kids stand up, crying, telling their stories about being bulled, and afterward, administrators and teachers always say " How did you get them talk?" and my simple response is "I asked them to tell me about them and I listened." In the interview you did with People you mentioned, "There had never been a country music artist who had acknowledged his or her homosexuality," and at one point you thought you weren't going to be the first. What made you change your mind and decide to be the first?

CW: I changed my mind because I had no other choice. My intellect and my cognitive thinking [were no longer] a part of the issue. That's what happened; it became a matter of life or death for me. I had so masterfully painted myself into a corner with the life I had created. I had created a successful career in country music but I realized I had not created a successful life. I'd brokered this great deal with God early on when I was nine, that "I will go without love, I will go without wholeness of self, because I will never acknowledge or be or be out or be free, just give me music." I didn't realize what a role who I really am would need to play in my life, I didn't realize that everyone has a primal need to stand up and say who they love. I didn't realize that the hiding would rip me and my partner apart. I didn't realize that I would sit in radio station control rooms and hear people tell gay jokes and how it would eat away at my integrity, and I'm a prideful person, I have an inter-justice fighter in me, I've always been a leader. I was a leader in my school and then all the sudden I'm sitting allowing jokes to be told about me, for what reason? Why? And I hit rock bottom and in the early part of 2006 I found myself with a gun in my mouth and a couple days later I got on my knees and I prayed to God, "Okay, We've done it my way [for] 36 years, I'm ready to do it yours." I stopped praying for a miracle of how to make my career work and my life as a lesbian-in-hiding work, I stopped praying for all these magical ways to get all of this to work, I changed my prayer to "God, give me a moment's peace," and the minute I did that, the minute I changed my prayer to "lets do it your way," I knew, okay, I'm coming out. I knew the most compelling reason for me to come out was me, was because I will never be whole, I will never be an entire person if I don't stand up for myself. But I also knew I could not stand the thought of who I am as a human being, as a woman, as a person if I imagined one more kid in Iowa or Nebraska or Kansas sitting in his or her bedroom feeling like an alien. Feeling like they were the only ones like them, feeling hopeless that they could never have a shot at a whole life. I worked with kids a lot in schools through my non-profit and I see kids through my touring experiences, and I feel like sometimes I've run across a gay kid and I have dealt with the shame of not grabbin' that kid by the shoulders and saying "Hey, I know who you are, I'm like you." I got to a point where I said, "no more." I wanted to stand up and I wanted to not just stand up for myself but I wanted to stand up and say this is crap; this is a bunch of crap. I am gay, I'm not necessarily proud to be gay, I'm proud to be who I am and that happens to be a gay woman.

MP: You know Chely, I think what's so powerful about, at least for me, about your story, [is that] we've had wonderful public role models but I think there have been very few people who have been as candid and honest as you've been about what this process has been like. One of the greatest issues is young people who are reconciling faith with their sexuality. How would you say growing up in the Midwest as a member of the Christian community, what type of unique perspective do you think it's given you on being an LGBT person and how has it contributed to the identity you have today?

CW: That's a great notion for us to approach. Its no wonder, to me, that young people - when you're told you will never belong to a club, when you continually go out to a playground and you wanna play on the kickball team and the other kids say you will never get to play with us, you will never ever get chosen for our team, ever. You stop goin' out and askin' to be invited, you will eventually stop being interested in playing kickball, in fact you may even start to have a loathing for kickball. It is no wonder that young people develop an aversion to organized religion and grow into older people, 20-somethings and 30-somethings who grow away from a church or a spiritual practice and then what are we called? When we do that, they we're in a double jeopardy, then we're gay and we're godless and somehow those get attached to one another. I on the other hand was so fortunate that - the thing for which I am most thankful, God must have known something about me to know that I was just going to need him on a different level. Because there was this God they were telling me about at church, that was the scary God, that was going to burn me up in Hell for being gay. But then when I would leave that church on Sunday, there was this other God that sat with me on my piano bench that gave me songs, there was this God that when I would climb a tree he would be up there with me. Now it wasn't a God in a white robe or a God with a beard and a booming voice, but it was a God that I felt was my best friend and always there with me, it was a God of love and light and complete comfort and I never felt alone. So fortunately, my spiritual practice never waned. And I think it is one of the things, [some of] the most unique and beautiful experiences during my coming out, I've had so many gays and lesbians come to me young and old and hand me letters and say "I want to thank you for talking about being gay and being a believer," and not just Christian, but Buddhist and Jewish, all different kinds of religions. People have said "thank you for talking about your spiritual practice and being gay because it's who I am too." Also I don't begrudge anyone who is agnostic or atheist either, I like that golden rule. I'm a big fan of the golden rule, "do unto others," and if that's how you live your life that's a good practice. I just happen to believe in - I have a maker, that one works for me, but I think being in the Midwest, its just kind of like "when in Rome," and that's who I was raised to be, but lookin' around I just didn't - I saw a bunch of other Christians, I just didn't see any other gays. That was just a part of me, a puzzle piece that I just, hard as I tried, could not get that piece to fit.

MP: I grew up in Texas, graduated high school and went off to a small Baptist college, and the second semester or my second year, I was called into the dean's office and he said " You know security's waiting to escort you to your room. You have until 4 o'clock to get of campus for a suspicion of being a homosexual. We don't want you here anymore."

CW: Shut up!

MP: I'm now Buddhist; I live my life by Eastern philosophy. I think that was a moment in my life where I realized I either had to love myself or actually kill myself, and I chose to love myself. And I say that because I think that's what's so profound about your voice, is that it is speaking to that group of individuals who hasn't historically had a voice, or, when they hear about LGBT issues and Christians, it's usually because of a scandal, it's not because of a loving affirming relationship between one's creator and one's self. A journalist described you as a bridge between the LGBT community and the conservative Christian community; do you see yourself as a bridge?

CW: Wow, that's a really huge complement and one that's not lost on me, that's really beautiful. First of all I'm sorry you were ever told that by someone in your school, and good for you for living, well done.

MP: Thank you.

CW: I really love that that journalist said that about me and I have to say, one of the reasons I stood up was because I understand who I am in my community. And part of why I knew I needed to stand up was because I can identify who I am, and I know my public capital, that I can identify my unique position. I am uniquely positioned within a culture of conservative Christians, and the country community of listenership is by-and-large conservative Christians, and they already know my name, they already voted on me and they like me, and I know that studies kinda show if gay issues are brought forth and somebody already knows your name and your face, they're less likely to hate you so quickly and I already knew that I had public capital there. If I did it well and if I wrote my story down well and comprehensively and carefully and I presented it in a tasteful way, that I could use my public capital well. That's one of the reasons why I am a new board member of Faith in America, a non-profit organization that tries to fight faith-based bigotry in churches when it comes to gays and lesbians. I love that that journalist called me a bridge between LGBT issues and conservative Christians because I do feel that I can be that, I do feel that there's gotta be some reason why I'm receiving thousands of letters from LGBT people saying "thank you for talking about your relationship with God." Because there is this belief in American society that gays and lesbians are godless. And they are wrong, they are wrong; we are not godless people.

MP: Some of the most connected people to God or to the universe, [whom] I know in my life, are LGBT people, and some of the most disconnected are non-LGBT people.

CW: Right, who's seen the struggle? Who has seen a greater struggle? We could compare the different social cross-sections of people; there's no need to do that, you and I both know the pitfalls of doing that. But gays and lesbians, we see a struggle. And when you inherently, every day, get up and see a struggle, you've gotta get down deep into a spiritual gear every day and you can't do that without having some kind of a spiritual practice. And when you walk out your door and you know someone is going to hate you just because of who you are, you have got to get up every day and get on your knees and look up. There's no other way to do it.

MP: Our biggest message, and Judy Shepard would tell you this too, is that the greatest thing each of us can do to affect change is to live our lives, it's not necessarily what comes out of our mouths, but it's how people see us behave when no one is watching us, and it's how we hold our head and it's who we are as a complete person. You're illustrating the importance of sharing that story and something else that's wonderful about your process is the process that your dad has gone through. And he said something on Oprah that has now become a staple in all of my programs, it's the idea of "don't close the door, open your heart." I have to say that whether or not he intended it, your dad has become a role model for the young people who never think their father is going to love and accept them. I guess I just wanted to see how that process went for you and, has having his support been a source of strength for you?

CW: Well, not only has my father's process been a source of strength, it's been a source of inspiration, so not only has he fortified me, he has fired me up. After my dad read my book - there weren't even copies printed until a week before it went to stores - so he read the book four days before it went into the stores, and he called me the Saturday before it was up for sale and he left me a message, "call your Dad." And I was like, oh no, gosh. There is some tough stuff written about him in the book as well some childhood stuff that doesn't reflect very well on him. And I thought he might be upset about that. And he said, "Chel, I just finished your book, it was a hard book to read." I said, "I know dad, I'm sorry." He said " No, not about that," he said, "about the fact that you almost killed yourself." He had known that I had gotten to a bad spot; he said, "Imagining you with a gun in your mouth is hard," and I said, "I know, Dad." He said, "I'm happy, as hard as it was to read those parts, I'm happy to re-know you. As hard as it was to experience that, I needed to know these things about. I feel very close to you right now, I have a job to do now." I said, "What do you mean?" He said, "I feel like this is my calling, I feel like I have to forgive myself for the mistakes I made and the gay jokes I may have told when you were a kid and the ignorance that I perpetuated when I was a young dad and in a redneck community." He said, "Chel, I think this is my calling to stand up and help make a change in middle America." That fires me up. My dad graduated from eighth grade and that is it. My dad is a construction worker. And if my dad can get it, anybody can get it. And when he said what he said on The Oprah Winfrey Show, "Don't close the door, open your heart," now he's one of the most Twittered phrases. I could not be more proud of him and he means it, he's not kidding.

MP: The interesting thing is that you can speak and your voice has power, but the voice of your dad, being a heterosexual male from the Midwest saying " I love my lesbian daughter," is ten times more powerful than other people's voices.

CW: It really is. You and I know who we are. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt we are gay, we're born this way. But for a straight person to be able to abandon everything they were taught and be able to automatically turn on a dime because they know us, because they love, that speaks volumes - that's more powerful than us, because we know. I always find it amazing when straight people are able to abandon everything they know. My spiritual adviser is Welton Gaddy, the head of the Interfaith Alliance, he's a straight ally and I asked him - he's a reverend and he's quite a knowledgeable man about the Bible and religious teachings. And I said, "Welton, how do you know to fight for me?" Its one thing for the Bishop Gene Robinson to know, because he's a gay man, but how do you know, Welton? Dad, how do you know that I'm okay because you're straight? How do you know? They both just say "I know because I know you. I know your heart and I know your integrity," and that's powerful.

MP: Chely, to me that's unconditional love and those moments in my life are when I truly experience God's grace. It's when those people who get me, get me. I again thank you for sharing that.

CW: When I was a kid I was taught that God's love is unfathomable. The word unfathomable means we can't measure it, you can't imagine it, its bigger than anything that you can estimate. Unconditional is what a parent - a parent is supposed to love their kids beyond measure, unfathomable means God's love is infinite. Do you think that God's love can even be measured? Is there any reasoning behind any church in Topeka, Kansas, their notion behind anyone being able to hold up a sign that says, "God hates fags"? Is there any basis to that thinking? When my dad can say "I love my lesbian daughter" and that's just a simple human parent saying " I love my lesbian daughter" and God's love is supposed to be that love times a million, billion, trillion, infinite. What is that? What are they talking about? I don't understand what they're talking about. It's criminal. It's criminal what [those] churches are doing.

MP: Well you know, Westboro [Baptist Church] follows us around everywhere we go. There was a little graphic on their website with flames on Matt's head saying how many days he's been burning in Hell, so they follow us everywhere that we go. We've reached a place where we just don't give them attention because that's what they want. You try not to become desensitized by all the crazy people and focus on the people that are listening to your voice and making those personal connections, [but] Westboro is a constant with us.

CW: I'm sure it is. I just hope that young people will realize that there's a spiritual compass inside of each of us and if you know who you are, believe me, God knows too. God knows because God made you. You can't keep a secret from God, there's no secret from God. God's on your shoulder nodding his head going "I know, I know, I know, I made you that way." There are no secrets from God. You don't have to try and hide a secret from God.

MP: I think we spend so much time focusing on how other people are going to feel about us instead of focusing on how I feel about myself. My personal relationship with me and my connection to what's greater than me. That self-actualization is a pretty challenging process and young people and older people having examples of people who have come through that process is profound and I think that's the power of our voices.

CW: Absolutely. Absolutely, that's it.

MP: As a final thought, now that you're a public voice who affirms that it's possible to believe in God, family and country, and be gay, what's next for you?

CW: What's next for me is touring - singing, because I'm a musician as well, singing and meeting people, shaking hands and hearing these amazing stories of self-affirmation, and just walking in the light - no more hiding in the shadows for me. It's just more and more joy, it just feels so good. I'm so glad I came out. It's a thousand times better than I ever, ever imagined, just the opportunities to know young people who have the notions of freedom and the liberty at a young age is so inspiring to me, just more joy.

MP: Thanks so much, Chely, have a blessed afternoon.

CW: Okay, will do. Take care. Buh-Bye.

MP: Buh-Bye.